From Sweetheart to She-Devil and Back (NSFW)
I honestly didn’t know what to title this post as I began writing it but a nagging thought has settled in my brain: I’m not a nice person.
OK, that’s not completely true nor is it always true but lately it’s been my M.O. to go for mine and leave y’all behind!
So not like ME!!!
Sitting here wondering why I’m not as happy now as I used to be in my younger years and I realized how much I’ve allowed negativity to envelope me. Yes, I, Mrs. Positivity herself, can actually be a very rude, inconsiderate and insensitive bitch. Without even trying to, I began to neglect my husband and children, my family and friends, my PayJob* AND MyCareer**!!! I should’ve known SOMETHING was wrong when I didn’t even WANT to write and anyone who knows me knows that, for me, writing is like breathing air!
I was unintentionally committing suicide!
This week, a lot of lingering negative things have bubbled to the surface, forcing me to once again deal with them. Once and for all. As awesome an author as I am, I have trouble communicating verbally. If I write my words down, I have a chance to edit until I’ve perfected what I want to say. When I’m talking and if I’m not clearly thinking of my response, I tend to say the wrong things or my tone will be so displeasing that the listener instantly gets an attitude with me. I abhor confrontation and tend to pick my battles to keep the peace. This doesn’t ALWAYS work. Sometimes you have to open your damn mouth and say something!
And if you can’t say it with love, shut the fuck up.
OK. There’s that bitchy She-Devil side of me again. She curses like a sailor and doesn’t give a fuck what you think of her. And right now, She-Devil is stronger than my Sweetheart side but since I personally cannot STAND negativity AND I’m the source of my own drama, I vow to speak less negatively to allow my heart to share this love that has built up inside of me! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I used to be treated like a Queen. My actions over the past few years have demoted me down to scullery maid.😔
Wouldn’t you rather be around someone who is positive and genuinely happy?? They used to call me Suzy Sunshine because I was so positive. Polite. Helpful. Friendly. The fact that my life isn’t exactly the way I want it to be right now has sunk me into a depression I didn’t know I was in. But I can’t keep making and taking excuses. I need to take action and reverse this ASAPly!!
In the next few months, I’ll get back to posting in my “Encouraging You!!!” Facebook group as well as on this blog since writing gives me so much joy. Sharing love gives me peace and makes me happy. And I miss you guys. I truly do.
Please send positive words of encouragement to someone. You never know what they’re going through.
I want to give a shout out to my bestie Jennifer for sticking with me through this madness, never letting me stay down on myself and always encouraging me!!
Til next time.
*PayJob: the place I go to get paid for doing THEIR work
**MyCareer: what I truly want to be doing aka working as a full time author!!!
Pain… Hurt… Anger… Death.
(Sidenote to Teddi B: I do NOT know how to write a haiku so I’m sure you won’t mistake this for one! LOL)
Pain from touching the fire
Hurt envelopes me
Anger arises because I “know better”
Death to my independence and innocence
© 2009 Lea Mishell. All Rights Reserved