THIS is when I don’t need to be on here… (Random Rant 8~1~2009)
I’m not trying to pinpoint anyone to reach out to me about this and I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass but right now I’m in the middle of this and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m pissed. Mostly at myself cuz I’m not adapting to all these changes fast enough. My mind is still in Single Mama mode (emphasis on SINGLE) and it’s been brought to my attention that I’m doing wrong. Things that I would normally do this time last year are taboo now. I thought nothing of going to my boy D’s house to chill with him at all hours of the day or night but I can’t do that now. Now that I am married, I have to inform my husband that I am going out, who I’m going to see and if he hasn’t met this person before (especially if it’s a man), it has been suggested that I bring my husband with me. I’m also used to paying bills and having money in my pocket if not in the bank. True, we’re going through a temporary financial hiccup but as a person who is used to doing everything alone, I’m sorry I didn’t jump to the conclusion that WE are doing this when WE aren’t doing this!
I was married once before. But that only lasted 19 months so I hate to tell you but I’m not an expert on marital life! I make one error in judgment and I’m screwed for the rest of my married life?!? I don’t think like he does. I don’t act like he does. And I’m scared to make a move cuz I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And it doesn’t help that we argue. I’ve lost count how many times we’ve argued over nothing. Well, I shouldn’t say NOTHING just because it didn’t bother me as much as it does him. Am I that insensitive that I really don’t give a damn anymore?
I was reminded that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff (which reminds me that I need to look for my copy of that book… but n-e-hoo) but when the small stuff is blown up 200% it’s original size, it’s hard NOT to sweat it!
I’ve talked and listened. Yelled and been yelled at. Cried. Screamed. Blacked out. Endured physical pain, not from him hitting me but from my own body, most likely rejecting the stress I’m going through. Today is Day 43 of our marriage. If we keep going like THIS, I don’t know how many more days I’ll be able to count up to.
And on top of all this, he thinks that leaving me will make me feel better.
I pray that day never comes because I will be far from better.
P.S. Just writing this where it can be read by anyone is no doubt a violation but I’m not immediately reprimanded for expressing myself when I write plus I’m tired of talking and I get more of my thoughts out through writing.
Pain… Hurt… Anger… Death.
(Sidenote to Teddi B: I do NOT know how to write a haiku so I’m sure you won’t mistake this for one! LOL)
Pain from touching the fire
Hurt envelopes me
Anger arises because I “know better”
Death to my independence and innocence
© 2009 Lea Mishell. All Rights Reserved