Crushed

I didn’t know how much I loved him until we touched. -Lea Mishell

That statement alone goes to two men. Both of whom I’ve loved at first sight of their face and at first sound of their voice. And on September 24, 2009, I finally felt the touch of my “first husband”. Then as I had that thought about him, I instantly thought of the day I met my husband and how we started with just a touch. And with his new CD, I now have the soundtrack to our first year of marriage (Don’t worry, Al. He won’t lose me in the end. NEVER STOP LOVING YOU is so beautiful and I pray that didn’t happen to you because that hurts my heart to think that you had to live through that tragedy to share such a touching song with us. Through your pain you brought us your gift and as much as I thank you for coming home, I’m sorry for whatever it was that you went through to be gone so long.) From DAY ONE I have loved EVERY song his voice has touched especially him singing in the BACKGROUND wth Heavy D.!!! Amazon.com even knows what’s up cuz their preview of Heavy D. and the Boyz’ SOMEBODY FOR ME is 99% AL B. SURE!!! You don’t even hear Heavy D. finish saying “cutie pie” before he’s cut off his OWN SONG!

Al B. Sure! performing LIVE St. Louis, 2009

You can’t tell me I don’t love them. Them. Yes, BOTH OF THEM. I love them seperately and will give respect to each of them at all times. This isn’t sharing in a selfish way because it’s ALL love.

Suddenly, I know what everlasting love is! Not a day went by that I didn’t love Al and just because he wasn’t in my day to day visual via video, he was there in my heart and when he did something as simple as HUG ME, I question what held my body upright long enough to realize that after his touch, I neglected to get a picture with him like I did with Shemar or an autograph like I did with Ginuwine. But I’m ok because that moment right THERE officially became my number one celebrity moment of all time.

I’m sorry. Let me say that again, PROPERLY **clears throat**

Suddenly, I know what everlasting love is! Not a DAY went by that I didn’t love Al and just because he wasn’t in my day to day visual via video, he was there IN MY HEART and when he did something as simple as HUG ME, I question what held my body upright long enough to realize that after his touch, I neglected to get a picture with him like I did with Shemar or an autograph like I did with Ginuwine. But I’m ok because THAT MOMENT RIGHT THERE OFFICIALLY BECAME MY NUMBER ONE CELEBRITY MOMENT OF ALL TIME!!!!!

Sitting in Shades of Grey waiting for a Sure! Thang

I pray that I get to meet him again to tell him thank you for giving me the 4th best moment of my LIFE. (First: giving birth to my son. Second: giving birth to my daughter. Third: marrying Kevin. And now that you know that, you can see that there is some SERIOUS competition for the #1 spot, huh? lol)

To share one night with my first and last crush may very well stay in my memory until memory leaves me. -Lea Mishell

A couple of my Al B. Sure! CDs

© 2009 Lea Mishell. All Rights Reserved.

Visit http://www.HiddenBeach.com/AlBsure for more on Mr. Al B. Sure!

The Last DEAR JOHN Letter

Recently I was contacted by an ex that had the potential to be a lifelong friend but fucked it up with that last text he sent me suggesting that he and I do something that could potentially harm my marriage before it even began! I hadn’t heard from him for months after that text and I was so wrapped up in my preparations to get married that I didn’t have a chance to fully digest the demise of our relationship. I mean, this man has had such an impact on my entire writing career! And to this day he insprires me. I just wish it wasn’t such a negative source. The fact that I allowed him to disrespect me for so long is what hurts me more than anything but I turned that hurt into words which later became books so I wish him nothing but the best in his life. As for going forward, I personally want nothing to do with him anymore.

This is the last letter I wrote to him. I’m posting the words because I need to remind myself that I have closed this chapter of my life. I don’t want him to think that he can come back AGAIN as he’s done so MANY times over the years. Either I would bring him back to me or he would find me. I need this to be over for good. I know my writing will change but I’m praying that without his influence, my writing will improve.

God bless.
Lm…

(I won’t say his name. I’m trying to stop disrespecting the privacy of others.)

Dear _____,

Whether you give a damn about me or not, do not EVER try to contact me. Not at my home, not online, not EVER. You have hurt me so deeply that I never want to see or hear from you again. I’d much rather keep a positive yet distant memory of you than the ones you left me with. What hurt the most is that as much as I loved you it wasn’t enough for you to want me back. Yes, I wanted to marry you and raise our children* together but you kept playing games but what cut me the deepest was when you suggested we get a hotel room and you implied that my fiance (now Husband) would cheat on me at his bachelor party. As much as that hurt, it cut deeper because that let me know that if you and I were getting married that YOU would do that! That is NOT how you begin a loving and faithful marriage! It was bad enough that I met with you to comfort you after your mom passed without telling him first. That was my mistake but I didn’t want him to stop me from seeing you. Despite the aftermath, I’m glad I got to see you that last time. I would’ve been content with that night as our final memory together even though we didn’t sleep together. I know you wanted to but to be honest, I had no sexual feelings for you after the last two times we had “sex”.** I’d never been so unsatisfied by you and I was too in love with him to hurt him. Considering our past, I can’t blame you for trying but what kind of woman would I be if I’d cheated on him? Would you be there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart? Why start now when you weren’t there before when YOU broke my heart so many times!

I deleted your Facebook friend request. I closed my MySpace page. I deleted all your texts, phone numbers and birthday reminders for you, your mom and your sons. What more do I need to do or say to make you realize that you’ve hurt me too much and I love me too much to let you continue? I’m not trying to hurt you so PLEASE stop hurting me!!

Whether you ever loved me or not, I pray you will be a better man for the next woman and stop playing games. I don’t hate you but I don’t love you enough to keep you in my life. Our time is done. I’ve moved on. Now it’s your turn.

Good luck & God bless.
L.

P.S. If losing me was part of your game, You WON!!

*and don’t forget I gave your baby that we created up so that you could have a better life!

**for the record I haven’t slept with anyone since I met him (my Husband). I’m not keeping you on the side so don’t ask or think about it!

Now, after I reread the letter a few times, my anger levels dropped. Karma has been good to me and so far things are beautiful with my husband and me and I didn’t want to disturb my peace so I wrote this last page.

_____,
Now that I’ve let that anger out and I feel better, I apologize if I hurt you and I thank you for letting me go. Thanks to you I see how blessed I am to have my husband. Thanks to you I see that there is someone out there for everyone, even me. I thought you were that one but in your own way you made it clear that it wasn’t you. I was too blind from my love for you to see that! Thank you for everything you’ve done for and to me. I very much appreciate the lesson I have learned from you. May God continue to bless you in all that you do.

L.

© 2009 Lea Mishell. All Rights Reserved

What’s on the mind of Lea Mishell?…

Long ago on a blog far away…

I used to update my blog with what was on my mind on a page titled “What’s on the mind of Lea Mishell?…
(You may want to check this out before you talk to her today…)”

I didn’t do this for long (April 2, 2002 to April 13 2003). During this time you saw the beginning of a relationship that has since ended, the beginning of my career as an author and a time when I was happy. I have to write this fact down from time to time when I’m down so I can see that my life hasn’t ALWAYS been bad! lol

Here are the entries from my old Geocities site:

Mishell’s Observation for April 3, 2002…
I’ve been recently asked why is a nice girl like me still single…
I believe the fact that I’m a “nice girl” is the reason why I’m still single. Guys seem to want bad girls… girls that are not their girlfriend, wife, significant other…
Unfortunately for them, I’m waiting for someone who is a One Woman Man.
I’m too mature for playing silly games… They should be, too!

Mishell’s Observation for June 17, 2002…
(Taken from my STLScorpioSista page on Black Planet)
To all those concerned or interested…
I GOT A MAN!
We’ve been together since April 8, 2002 and each day our bond grows stronger.
To all the fellas that overlooked me
And for all those ladies that passed him by…
THANX!!!

Mishell’s Observation for July 3, 2002…
Tomorrow marks my first Independence Day with Desmond. We’ve already shared Mother’s Day (he took my mother and me out to dinner) and Father’s Day (he has no kids but considers himself the guardian of my two angels).
On the 4th, we’re supposed to go over to one of his friends’ house for a pool party.
I’ve met most of his friends and they are all happy for him and me…

So am I.

Mishell’s Observation for July 10, 2002…
Independence Day Holiday was spent with
Desmond and my children.
On the 4th and 5th, we could be found at Desmond’s friend’s house. Friday, the 5th, we acquired a black kitten, which I named Lucky (being black, he’ll need all the luck he can get! lol)
Saturday, the 6th was pretty much a dud, but we finally saw fireworks on Sunday, the 7th.

Mishell’s Observation for October 31, 2002…
I will be 30 in 2 days…
FINALLY!!! I’ve been saying that I am 30 since I turned 27!!! lol
I’ve decided to celebrate my daughter’s birthday on my actual birthday (her’s is the day after mine…) and I will celebrate the following weekend with my Twin, Ayanna. No, she’s not my biological twin, but she and I are so close in so many different ways that we believe that we are either clones of each other or we were separated at birth! (Her birthday is October 28th… i.e. she, too, is a SCORPIO!!!)

Mishell’s Observation for April 12, 2003
I know, I know…
It’s been a minute since I’ve told you what’s on my mind… And it’s not as if nothing’s been happening in my life so I will try to catch you up since my last entry as well as tell you about stuff that I didn’t tell you about before…

My boyfriend, Desmond, and I have been together for over a year…
My Twin, Ayanna, came to visit me last November…
I lost one best friend and gained three…
I finished my book and I expect it to be in print before the end of the year…
My daughter has been accepted to Magnet School…

and every day, I know that I am truly blessed!!!

After reading these, I may have to start doing this What’s On My Mind type of blogging again… we shall see…

Lm…