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From Sweetheart to She-Devil and Back (NSFW)

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I honestly didn’t know what to title this post as I began writing it but a nagging thought has settled in my brain: I’m not a nice person.

OK, that’s not completely true nor is it always true but lately it’s been my M.O. to go for mine and leave y’all behind!

So not like ME!!!

Sitting here wondering why I’m not as happy now as I used to be in my younger years and I realized how much I’ve allowed negativity to envelope me. Yes, I, Mrs. Positivity herself, can actually be a very rude, inconsiderate and insensitive bitch. Without even trying to, I began to neglect my husband and children, my family and friends, my PayJob* AND MyCareer**!!! I should’ve known SOMETHING was wrong when I didn’t even WANT to write and anyone who knows me knows that, for me, writing is like breathing air!

I was unintentionally committing suicide!

This week, a lot of lingering negative things have bubbled to the surface, forcing me to once again deal with them. Once and for all. As awesome an author as I am, I have trouble communicating verbally. If I write my words down, I have a chance to edit until I’ve perfected what I want to say. When I’m talking and if I’m not clearly thinking of my response, I tend to say the wrong things or my tone will be so displeasing that the listener instantly gets an attitude with me. I abhor confrontation and tend to pick my battles to keep the peace. This doesn’t ALWAYS work. Sometimes you have to open your damn mouth and say something!

And if you can’t say it with love, shut the fuck up.

OK. There’s that bitchy She-Devil side of me again. She curses like a sailor and doesn’t give a fuck what you think of her. And right now, She-Devil is stronger than my Sweetheart side but since I personally cannot STAND negativity AND I’m the source of my own drama, I vow to speak less negatively to allow my heart to share this love that has built up inside of me! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I used to be treated like a Queen. My actions over the past few years have demoted me down to scullery maid.😔

Wouldn’t you rather be around someone who is positive and genuinely happy?? They used to call me Suzy Sunshine because I was so positive. Polite. Helpful. Friendly. The fact that my life isn’t exactly the way I want it to be right now has sunk me into a depression I didn’t know I was in. But I can’t keep making and taking excuses. I need to take action and reverse this ASAPly!!

In the next few months, I’ll get back to posting in my “Encouraging You!!!” Facebook group as well as on this blog since writing gives me so much joy. Sharing love gives me peace and makes me happy. And I miss you guys. I truly do.

Please send positive words of encouragement to someone. You never know what they’re going through.

I want to give a shout out to my bestie Jennifer for sticking with me through this madness, never letting me stay down on myself and always encouraging me!!

Til next time.

PeaceLoveHappiness
Lm…

*PayJob: the place I go to get paid for doing THEIR work

**MyCareer: what I truly want to be doing aka working as a full time author!!!

Why Do I Love YOU?

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Believe it or not, I love EVERYONE.

When I love someone, it’s not because of their age, their height, the way they look, the color of their skin or even their gender. It’s because of something within them. I feel drawn toward something positive in them that is mirrored within myself. Most of my friends are similar to each other. My past lovers were similar to each other. And what was that similarity? They each had something about them that made me love them as they were. Anyone I come in contact with I try to treat them this way: as you are. I love you if you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, transgendered or whatever because you are here to be loved as you are.

I’m not telling you how to love anyone. I’m just letting you know why I love EVERYONE.

PeaceLoveHappiness
Lm…

Random Thoughts ~ January 7, 2010

You ever talk to yourself? I know you do but do you LISTEN to yourself? Lately, I’ve been listening to my inner voice. I’m not sure what any of this means but when a particular phrase repeats itself to me, I see them as warnings or advice. Maybe it’s not for ME but for someone else to read and interpret so in case it is, I’m posting it here for you to read.

It’s just a matter of time. You will love me more than anyone you’ve loved before. We’ll be together forever. I promise I will never hurt you or let anyone else harm you because I love you. -Lm…

I don’t like the way they treat you. Don’t they know you’re Royalty? You should be treated like the queen you are, just as I will treat you for the rest of our days together. I just wish I’d done it sooner so you could see that I’ve been here all along! Somehow I have to show you just how much I love you.
-Lm…

That’s all I have right now but if any more pop up, I’ll share them… Til then…

PeaceLoveHappiness
Lm…

©2010 Lea Mishell. All rights reserved.

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