THIS is when I don’t need to be on here… (Random Rant 8~1~2009)

I’m not trying to pinpoint anyone to reach out to me about this and I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass but right now I’m in the middle of this and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m pissed. Mostly at myself cuz I’m not adapting to all these changes fast enough. My mind is still in Single Mama mode (emphasis on SINGLE) and it’s been brought to my attention that I’m doing wrong. Things that I would normally do this time last year are taboo now. I thought nothing of going to my boy D’s house to chill with him at all hours of the day or night but I can’t do that now. Now that I am married, I have to inform my husband that I am going out, who I’m going to see and if he hasn’t met this person before (especially if it’s a man), it has been suggested that I bring my husband with me. I’m also used to paying bills and having money in my pocket if not in the bank. True, we’re going through a temporary financial hiccup but as a person who is used to doing everything alone, I’m sorry I didn’t jump to the conclusion that WE are doing this when WE aren’t doing this!

I was married once before. But that only lasted 19 months so I hate to tell you but I’m not an expert on marital life! I make one error in judgment and I’m screwed for the rest of my married life?!? I don’t think like he does. I don’t act like he does. And I’m scared to make a move cuz I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

And it doesn’t help that we argue. I’ve lost count how many times we’ve argued over nothing. Well, I shouldn’t say NOTHING just because it didn’t bother me as much as it does him. Am I that insensitive that I really don’t give a damn anymore?

I was reminded that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff (which reminds me that I need to look for my copy of that book… but n-e-hoo) but when the small stuff is blown up 200% it’s original size, it’s hard NOT to sweat it!

I’ve talked and listened. Yelled and been yelled at. Cried. Screamed. Blacked out. Endured physical pain, not from him hitting me but from my own body, most likely rejecting the stress I’m going through. Today is Day 43 of our marriage. If we keep going like THIS, I don’t know how many more days I’ll be able to count up to.

And on top of all this, he thinks that leaving me will make me feel better.

I pray that day never comes because I will be far from better.

lm…

P.S. Just writing this where it can be read by anyone is no doubt a violation but I’m not immediately reprimanded for expressing myself when I write plus I’m tired of talking and I get more of my thoughts out through writing.

Advertisements

About Author Lea Mishell

Wife. Author. Mother. As far as the order... that depends on my mood! LOL Silly, sarcastic, sensitive soul that wants nothing more than to get these thoughts out of my head to share with the world! Let me tell you about myself in as few words as possible... I am an intelligent, athletically-built-without-doin-a-lick-of-exercise, sweet, independent young woman. I like to eat. Sometimes I drink. Often times I even sleep! And then in between all of that, I'll need to go visit the bathroom. Most of the time I do all of those, practically everyday! And sometimes I do things with other people. I used to go to school, but now I work. My favorite colors are black, silver, burgandy, and deep blue... My hobbies and interests include writing, traveling, spending time with my family, hanging with my friends, watching anything with Shemar Moore in it (formerly "Derrick Morgan" on "Criminal Minds", formerly "Malcolm Winters" on "The Young and The Restless", and star of "The Brothers" and "Butter"), dancing, singing, and people-watching. I LOVE JANET (Jackson for those that don't know). That's just the tip of the iceberg, but if you REALLY want to know me, write me and get to know me! PeaceLoveHappiness Lm...

Posted on August 1, 2009, in Random Rants and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Wow…that’s real talk right there. I wish I had something inspirational to say, but all those reasons play into my being single. I could never really get down with the whole WE thing…I think maybe I’m too trusting a person to understand how kickin it at my “previous to you” friends place like I always have, suddenly becomes disrespecftful…I hope it works out though.

    *mwah*
    ~Teddi

    Like

    • Lea Mishell, Author

      I’m with you Teddi. I thought nothing of things I did before that now I double guess myself. And although I did have chest pains strong enough to send me to the ER (there’s a note about it on FB), I’m and we’re doing better. Thanks for thinking of me and for reading this!

      Lm…

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Mompreneur Chronicles

Tips and Thoughts of Authors Teresa Seals and Lea Mishell

The Mompreneur Chronicles

Tips and Thoughts of Authors Teresa Seals and Lea Mishell

muffled voice..!

letz explore your unexpressed you in yourself..!

An Intoxicated Storyteller

Just this once, let the words flow.

Newzo

Moon moon

the obligatory eccentric

midnight lavender

The Mompreneur Chronicles

Tips and Thoughts of Authors Teresa Seals and Lea Mishell

The Mompreneur Chronicles

Tips and Thoughts of Authors Teresa Seals and Lea Mishell

muffled voice..!

letz explore your unexpressed you in yourself..!

An Intoxicated Storyteller

Just this once, let the words flow.

Newzo

Moon moon

the obligatory eccentric

midnight lavender

ANIKET SHARMA PHOTOGRAPHY

World through my lens

Natalie Breuer

Natalie. Writer. Photographer. Etc.

Live - Love Yourself

Life is so beautiful when you love yourself :)

angelicafetishes

Sex, Various Relationships, Love, Fetishes, Erotica, Polyamory, Music Therapy, Human Sexuality, randoms

The Racket-Rotter Chronicles

"How far can you go for love?"

LITERARY TITAN

Book Review

Daily (w)rite

A DAILY RITUAL OF WRITING

The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

JamesRadcliffe.com

James Radcliffe, Musician. Music, Blog, Pictures, Live, News...

Marissa Riback's Blog

inspiration, motivation, empowering

Brandye Dague.com

Just B Healthy & Wealthy

A Stairway To Fashion

contact: ralucastoica23@gmail.com

%d bloggers like this: