From Sweetheart to She-Devil and Back (NSFW)
I honestly didn’t know what to title this post as I began writing it but a nagging thought has settled in my brain: I’m not a nice person.
OK, that’s not completely true nor is it always true but lately it’s been my M.O. to go for mine and leave y’all behind!
So not like ME!!!
Sitting here wondering why I’m not as happy now as I used to be in my younger years and I realized how much I’ve allowed negativity to envelope me. Yes, I, Mrs. Positivity herself, can actually be a very rude, inconsiderate and insensitive bitch. Without even trying to, I began to neglect my husband and children, my family and friends, my PayJob* AND MyCareer**!!! I should’ve known SOMETHING was wrong when I didn’t even WANT to write and anyone who knows me knows that, for me, writing is like breathing air!
I was unintentionally committing suicide!
This week, a lot of lingering negative things have bubbled to the surface, forcing me to once again deal with them. Once and for all. As awesome an author as I am, I have trouble communicating verbally. If I write my words down, I have a chance to edit until I’ve perfected what I want to say. When I’m talking and if I’m not clearly thinking of my response, I tend to say the wrong things or my tone will be so displeasing that the listener instantly gets an attitude with me. I abhor confrontation and tend to pick my battles to keep the peace. This doesn’t ALWAYS work. Sometimes you have to open your damn mouth and say something!
And if you can’t say it with love, shut the fuck up.
OK. There’s that bitchy She-Devil side of me again. She curses like a sailor and doesn’t give a fuck what you think of her. And right now, She-Devil is stronger than my Sweetheart side but since I personally cannot STAND negativity AND I’m the source of my own drama, I vow to speak less negatively to allow my heart to share this love that has built up inside of me! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I used to be treated like a Queen. My actions over the past few years have demoted me down to scullery maid.😔
Wouldn’t you rather be around someone who is positive and genuinely happy?? They used to call me Suzy Sunshine because I was so positive. Polite. Helpful. Friendly. The fact that my life isn’t exactly the way I want it to be right now has sunk me into a depression I didn’t know I was in. But I can’t keep making and taking excuses. I need to take action and reverse this ASAPly!!
In the next few months, I’ll get back to posting in my “Encouraging You!!!” Facebook group as well as on this blog since writing gives me so much joy. Sharing love gives me peace and makes me happy. And I miss you guys. I truly do.
Please send positive words of encouragement to someone. You never know what they’re going through.
I want to give a shout out to my bestie Jennifer for sticking with me through this madness, never letting me stay down on myself and always encouraging me!!
Til next time.
*PayJob: the place I go to get paid for doing THEIR work
**MyCareer: what I truly want to be doing aka working as a full time author!!!
Posted on May 19, 2016, in Blogging, Lea Mishell, My Therapy, My Writing, Random Rants, Random Thoughts, Real Life Issues and tagged depression, encouragement, positivity, Real Life Issues. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.
Hola chica first let me say I will always have your back no matter what. As females who have had children we end up going through a lot of different changes in our lifetime sometimes we have our good days and bad days. No one should ever be Suzy sunshine everyday, not even you! I understand that you want to be that ray of sunshine for a lot of people and I understand that you want to be that voice of positivity for a lot of people and that’s great. I totally support you. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re having a bad day and you can’t be happy for someone else. Allow yourself to have a bad day you’re human. Matter of fact we all are. That’s why as friends we need to lean on each other and when you’re having a bad day I need to pull you up and when I’m having a bad day you need to pull me up. That’s what works. Being the writer that you are you are able to reach a lot of people and to put a lot of positive messages out there and by doing that you don’t have to be so hard on yourself when you are having a bad day so just remember that. Know that there are people out there that love you and care for you and will always be there for you like myself!
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***First before y’all ask, I had to post both of her comments as each was unique and necessary to share.***
Thank you so much for coming back into my life. When we met, we were raising hell. Separately, we’ve each been through hell. How about from now on we have non-stop PeaceLoveHappiness! Ya with me Chica??💃
Chica I love all your sides. As females we go through many changes after having children, shit it’s natural. You are allowed a bad day and some negative words once in a while. No one can be Suzy Sunshine every Damn day! Yes I said it! I’m going to say it my way! I have done my own evaluation lately also and I’m tired of biting my tongue. It will literally make you sick internally. I’m going to be me…I don’t want to offend anyone but I also just want to live my life. The point is I want to LIVE! I want you to do the same…Live, Love, and be Happy. That’s all I want for my friends. I love you girlie! You always have my support and I’m screaming it to the world!
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I’m glad you are getting back to being you! You’ve inspired a change for me as well.
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Well Love, considering you’ve been here for the tail end of the madness, I’m glad some GOOD came from all of this!! And I can’t wait to see how I’ve inspired YOU!!